Here I am six years into my own marriage at age 50, and I know most of you have been married much longer.

What is the secret to keeping love alive?

How do you keep getting excited about your husband all over again?   How do you keep him excited about you, when half of the time you feel like there should be steam coming out of your ears?   Or your mood is swinging in ways that Tarzan would envy!   Not to mention hormonal changes with andropause and menopause that make romance much less likely to happen.

Should you simply give up on romance for this lifetime?

I say NO!   Just because most of your conversations center around the kids, getting the bills paid, or appliance repairs now, doesn’t mean romance has disappeared completely.   It just means that romance will require some effort on both of your parts.  You need to ask yourself:

“Do I still believe in the power of love to change my life?”

You are not disillusioned with love now, just with how routine your relationship has become over the years. Just because you have been married for years, doesn’t mean you don’t still have the same fears and intimacy issues you entered this relationship with. Is it worth it to you to work on yourself at this late date?   Could you still believe in love?

The most basic theme of my book: How to Believe in LOVE Again: Opening to Forgiveness, Trust and Your Own Inner Wisdom, is to help you realize that you have a choice.   You can make the decision to embark on your own journey back to self-love and self-acceptance.   For what is life without love?  Perhaps if you worked your way through my book WITH your life partner, the magic would return even better than before!

Married, recently divorced or single, self-love and self-respect is the source of all trust in others, closeness and true intimacy.

“Don’t ask yourself what the world needs, ask yourself what makes you come alive, and then do that.   Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.”       – Dr. Howard Thurman

The popular term “reinvention” suggests some mastery over transition, but does not come close to describing the types of changes some of us are going through these days.   I chose the term “midlife crisis” because mine was so much a personal crisis of confidence, when I lost my job and then my career at age 49.  The trick is taking your own crisis in hand, and demanding that it turn into the BEST opportunity of your entire life.

Is this a crisis or an opportunity?

If you should suddenly become aware that what once worked for you, no longer does, I have one piece of advice for you: 

Listen carefully to that still, small voice from within.

Listen like you never have before.  Even if it says things that seem irrational or even crazy.  This is your inner wisdom telling you what makes you come alive.  Don’t try to ignore it or drown it out, because it will just keep hounding you until you pay heed.  Sooner is better than later, especially since you have probably been ignoring this voice your entire life.

Most of us got some heavy messages when we were young to only do well-thought out, practical things, especially when it came to our education or career choices.  Many of us also followed our parents’ practical advice in our personal life, like the kind of person we should marry and where we should live, etc.  Now is the time to finally do what YOU want.

I found that sometimes my still, small voice made little sense in the moment, but when I followed through with the actions suggested, those actions would lead to other opportunities I could not have foreseen.  For example, everyone including myself thought I had lost it when I started my own dating service after losing my career as an academic librarian, but I felt strongly that I wanted to do this.  Then, when I found I had more cool women than men in my service, I joined Match.com to attract more men.  The very first man I met this way turned out to be my new husband!

How could I have ever seen that coming?  And that led to feeling the kind of deep emotional support I needed to launch myself into an entirely new career at 50.  One thing leads to another in mysterious ways sometimes!

I’m inching ever closer to my target weight now.  Forty-five ugly pounds gone for good, and ten more to go!   This morning when I glanced at myself in my full-length mirror, I immediately said out loud, “Oh, so that’s what I’m supposed to look like!”

Isn’t it funny how easily we get used to seeing a fat person when we look in the mirror?  The weight can come on so gradually over the decades, and then suddenly by age 45 or 50 we can hardly imagine ourselves any other way.   Getting back to only overweight on the BMI instead of obese may seem absolutely out of reach.

I have learned so much with the instruction I have received through Slimgenics:

Weight loss is a journey which begins by believing that you MUST change your life NOW, and then admitting you need some serious instruction and support.   Especially in your first few months when you are struggling to believe it is even possible for you to get back to a healthy weight, one-on-one support is so essential.   Otherwise, who are you going to cry to when you feel so many mixed emotions about the changes you are going through?

Weight loss is all about getting rid of the rules you learned as a child and the norms you see around you EVERYWHERE. You need to first trash as much as you can of your previous assumptions about what you should be eating, what you need to feel satisfied, and what your new normal will be.  I’ll bet I now consume about one third of the total calories I used to consider “normal.”

Starving yourself is your shortest path to obesity! When you wait until you are super hungry before eating, you will find it almost impossible to fill yourself up.   Just like waiting to take a pain reliever until you cannot stand the pain, it will take that much longer to stave off your hunger.   I now eat 4-5 what I call large snacks each day and I NEVER allow myself to feel true hunger.

A fair amount of “hunger” is in your mind, not your belly. Sitting around thinking about what would taste good right now is not the same as HUNGER.   Weight loss may require you to find lots of new interests and ways of distracting yourself from focusing on food full-time.

Believe me, it is possible for you to find a much healthier way to live. However, it may require counseling to help you change the way you see everything in your life.   It may even lead to a midlife crisis!

So, what’s the matter with that?   It beats the heck out of dying prematurely of a heart attack, cancer, diabetes or any number of other obesity-related illnesses.

Besides, this just feels so great!

I’m a sucker for a GREAT breakdown to breakthrough transformation story.  Strange what unexpected life experiences can inspire us to finally get healthy!

For Lori it had been a tough few years — to put it mildly.

In 2007, she was diagnosed with breast cancer.   The following year, she was laid off from her job.   Shortly after that her beloved husband, Phillip died suddenly of a heart attack.  It was late last year that she made a decision — 2011 would be “The Year of Lori.”

She promised herself to transform her health and her life.   She had recently seen a photo of herself — and didn’t like what she saw.  She felt determined to live as healthfully as possible, with a long-term goal in mind.   She wanted to enjoy her retirement years, something Phillip didn’t get the opportunity to do.

Difficult, painful times

When she was diagnosed with cancer, Lori and Phillip, were living in Boise, Idaho.   That’s where she had a double mastectomy and reconstructive surgery, followed by chemotherapy.

But, shortly after completing her treatment, there was more bad news in Boise.   In July of 2008, the technology company she’d been with for 11 years downsized, and her position was outsourced.

Losing her job led to a move south, to return to Lori’s native Texas.   After years of living away because of Phillip’s Air Force career, she was finally near her family.   And she was excited about a new work opportunity she’d found.

But this would not remain the happy homecoming she’d hoped for.   Shortly after his retirement, just months after their move, Phillip died suddenly of a heart attack.

For Lori, the emotional months that followed were the toughest she’d ever known.   She often felt overwhelmed managing her daily life without Phillip by her side.

And Lori was in great physical pain too, from a drug therapy to prevent a cancer relapse.  The side effects left her achy and drained, and completely unable to exercise. “My knees and legs hurt so bad I couldn’t make it up the stairs,” she says.

A snapshot spurs change

In 2010, on a trip to take Phillip’s ashes to their final resting place at the military cemetery in San Antonio, a family member took a photo of Lori.   Seeing herself was an eye-opener.   “You don’t realize how large you are when you don’t look at yourself in the mirror — or see pictures of yourself.”   And that image stuck with her as she thought about what she wanted to do next with her life.

Lori asked her doctors if it was possible to change her medications to make it easier for her to exercise.   And, that’s when the idea of “The Year of Lori” first started taking shape.   “I was going to lose all my weight this year and live the rest of my life as healthy as possible.”   In addition to her doctors, Lori also credits a nurse for helping her prepare for a healthier future.   ”She would call and give me pointers,” Lori says. “We talked mainly about nutrition and exercise.  It’s very helpful to have somebody keep tabs on you — and give you ideas on nutrition and other issues.”

She kicked off “The Year of Lori” with both new eating and exercise habits.   She joined Weight Watchers.   She also started working out three to four days a week, using her workplace gym. “There’s a group of ladies I work with and work out with,” she says. “I’m ten years older than most of them, so my challenge is to keep up with them.  I have to motivate myself, and motivate them in the process.”

Lori also went online for inspiration, searching out nutrition and fitness tips.   “I am a computer person,” she says. “I like all the information available online.   And, I can look at it whenever I need to.”

A promising, positive future

It’s been a life-changing year for Lori.   By late summer, she was nearing her weight-loss goal.   She’d lost more than 40 pounds and several sizes.   Her doctors were pleased with her steady and safe weight-loss pace: about 2 pounds a week.

As a result, she was able to go on a lower dose of blood pressure medication — and her cholesterol was going down, too.

Today, she has “more energy than I know what to do with!   I feel like I’m 35 again, I can jog and run.  I can go up three flights of stairs without breathing hard.”  And her transformation has helped her cope with her stress and grief — and think positively again.   “I feel like there’s nothing I can’t do!”

She’s even started dating again, but don’t ask her out for dinner.   She has her priorities.   She’ll probably suggest a hiking date instead.

BTW, I’m now down 40 pounds myself in the past six months, and quite proud of that accomplishment!   Especially in a year packed with midlife STRESS!

In the past year, all of the significant men in my life have been sorely challenged by serious illness and other troubles.

Ain’t it grand being the most studied American generation???  I am in the midst of a literature review of the thousands of studies of Boomer psychology for my next book.

In the meantime, here’s the latest from the National Marketing Institute’s Healthy Aging/Boomer Database:

Four trends shaping the Boomer market:

*Building a legacy: 50-plus consumers desire connection and belonging.   They are continuing to search for balance, build a legacy, connect with others, and do the right thing.   NMI research shows 83 percent of consumers over 50 are becoming more aware of the importance of personal relationships rather than personal possessions.   Two-thirds say they are trying to do more things that benefit others rather than themselves.

* Aging healthfully: Fewer than 20 percent of 50-plus consumers are looking to turn back the clock.   It’s not about not aging, it’s about healthy aging and accepting who they are now, while aiming for a healthier version.

* Redefining aging: While they may be accepting of themselves, Boomers are not accepting stereotypes of old age.  Fifty-plus consumers aren’t looking to buy more electronic devices, but they are searching for new self-care methods to prolong health and vitality.    Two-thirds optimistically proclaim that the best years of their life are still ahead of them!

* Finding meaning: For Boomers, it’s no longer about having it all; it’s about having the right things.   It’s about peeling back the layers and finding the core components of a meaningful life.

NMI research indicates that more than half of older consumers feel they would live a better life by having fewer material possessions, and two-thirds feel finding a purpose in life is more important than making money.   One of the main goals driving them is to live a healthier lifestyle with the ability to “relax and enjoy life,” as stated by about seven out of 10.

The hardest battle you will face in life is to be no one but yourself, in a world which is trying its hardest to make you like everybody else.

Just saw a fascinating show on PBS last night called America in Primetime: The Misfits.

In case you are new to this four-part series, each episode focuses on character archetypes from American television.   So far they have covered the Independent Woman and the Man of the House.   Last night they discussed the Misfit, and next week will be the Crusader.   This series tries to capture both the continuity of each archetype and how they have evolved.

I personally was completely underwhelmed with their coverage of “The Independent Woman,” just as I have been disappointed with almost every TV show from Mary Tyler Moore on about “independent women.”   Please tell me what the TV show “Rosanne”  had to do with independence, or Nurse Jackie?

OK, there were a few TV shows I did enjoy like Murphy Brown and Sex in the City, but I was left wondering at the statement at the end of this episode where they said today any woman can find samples of their own life on television.   Say what?   I enjoyed the episode about “The Man of the House” much more, because I learned about the silliness of the impossible images we project onto men in American culture.

I found last night’s episode about being a misfit to be thought-provoking and a real treat to watch!   I have rarely felt so good about not fitting in.   It reminded me of high school when they said that if you weren’t in the “IN’ crowd, you were probably a misfit.   What they didn’t tell you is, the misfits were really the more interesting characters anyway!

It’s such a shame that so many of us spend too many years of our lives asking, “How do I fit in?” when we should be asking, “How am I unique and original?”  One talking head in this episode asked the crucial question: How can you be authentic in an increasingly inauthentic world?

On my PBS station, “The Misfits” was followed by an American Experience episode about Woody Allen.  Now there’s a unique human being for you!   And according to this expose on his life, he embraced his uniqueness from the start and just went with it, no apologies, no fitting in.   One of my greatest regrets at this point in my life is how afraid I have been to completely be myself.   Luckily my own midlife crisis took care of that!

Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

You two built a relationship, a warm, shared thing – strong enough to keep out the cold, all the winters of your lives.

On the occasion of my parents’ 60th anniversary I wrote them a letter.   Here is an excerpt from that missive:

I feel thankful every day that I happened into a strong, solid family, one that encouraged intelligence, education, integrity and respect.  And I can only appreciate now how fortunate you two were to find such compatible, quality companionship with each other.

What are a few of the qualities I learned from watching you two work together all these years?  Foremost is the value of loyalty to those you care about.  I was raised in a house where loyalty was everything.  So much so, that I found myself shocked and confused when I ventured out into the “real world” to find few who were even familiar with the concept.

Another value I learned from you two is dependability.  Damn, if my Mom isn’t the most dependable person I’ve ever met when it comes to remembering other people on their special days, a quality far too rare today.

Responsibility fits right in here.  When I love someone I feel responsible for them and to them, but it wasn’t until I met Mike that I found someone who felt comparable levels of loyalty, dependability and responsibility in relationships.

What else did I learn being raised in your home? A sense of belonging, respect for others, how to trust in others, and the experience of working together cooperatively to complete tasks.  I learned how important it is to find a partner with complementary intelligence levels, but also different capabilities and aptitudes.

I learned that a marriage must be an equal partnership where we ALWAYS treat each other with integrity and respect.  I learned to be helpful with others, because they will try to be there for you when you need some extra love and support.  I learned what being in a family means.

Thanks for being such great parents and loving us so fiercely.  Thanks for teaching me how to be in a good marriage successfully.  Few gifts are more valuable than that.

]]> http://www.midlifecrisisqueen.com/2011/11/15/what-i-learned-from-my-parents-over-60-years-of-marriage/feed/ 4 http://www.midlifecrisisqueen.com/2011/11/08/the-chapters-of-my-life/ http://www.midlifecrisisqueen.com/2011/11/08/the-chapters-of-my-life/#comments Tue, 08 Nov 2011 15:10:34 +0000 midlifecrisisqueen http://www.midlifecrisisqueen.com/?p=11744

“Playing it safe is the most dangerous thing you can do.”

My parents have come to visit so we can celebrate their 60th wedding anniversary together.  I plan to write about them next, but having my parents around reminded me of an idea I read about in a book last week.

Think about your past life and then name the themes or chapters you have lived through up until now. Since I was wide awake this morning at 3AM, I started naming my chapters.  Here’s what I came up with:

Although I was a fairly serious student in college, I think I would name my college years: Chasing after Love, and I use the word love very loosely here!   Ah, what did I know back then?

After college and graduate school, when I got my first professional position as a librarian we’ll call: Back to Reality.

A few years later I decided I still needed to try to become a Chinese history professor, so I spent a few years studying intensive Chinese and living in Taipei.  Those were my “Chasing the China Dragon” years.

When that completely didn’t work out as hoped for, I needed to spend a few years to recuperate and devote some time to  “Recovery from Depression.”

The next chapter is nothing I am proud of, so let’s call it:  “The Bad News With Bad Men Show.”

I decided to call my first attempt at marriage in my early 40s: “Does Marriage Actually Work?” Which led directly into my: “Midlife Crisis Begins” chapter.

In my case, life only started getting much better AFTER it first fell apart at age 49.   My midlife crisis included divorce and then career/job loss all of which forced me to humbly admit I so didn’t have all of the answers.   All of my supposedly ‘safe’ choices like marrying a man with money or staying in a job I no longer enjoyed, only led to misery.   What does one do in a situation like this?   Well of course, you start your own dating service!

My next chapter: Dating at 49 was when the fun began.  Meeting Mike was such a turning point in my life, the BEST SURPRISE EVER!   When you’re feeling depressed and down on your luck, the last thing you expect is to meet the person you’ve been looking for your whole life,  and when you do, you certainly don’t expect him to love you as much as you love him.

Love at 49 is the BEST!

My present chapter is called: Life Finally Begins to Pay Off, not financially so much as in feelings of joy and contentment.  It all started with this blog.  Up until the time I learned about blogging, I was running into roadblock after roadblock as a new freelance writer. Becoming the Midlife Crisis Queen freed my soul, leading to lots of new connections, ideas for books, speaking opportunities and coaching jobs.

The only nagging question now is:   Why did it take me so long to get it right???

My Believe in Love Again blog is taking off lately along with e-book sales!

If you want to learn how to believe again, check it out!

“And you, when will you begin that long journey into yourself?”   — Rumi

Loneliness scares most of us quite a bit; in fact, it may be our greatest fear, but I believe there’s a lot of power in knowing that you can live alone successfully.

Value your time alone

Living alone for a few years, especially during or after a major life transition, allows us the time to process change. We finally have some time to breathe and search within for what’s missing or what definitely needs to change.

As luck would have it, midlife often offers us this time to rest up from relating to others constantly.  Divorce, the death of a loved one, unemployment, an empty nest, or some combination of these common midlife circumstances can offer a natural breather to sit back and take a hard look at ourselves and where we are now.

If you’re anything like me, you’ve been constantly distracted by the needs of others.  As natural caretakers, we just can’t stop tending to the needs of those around us, even when we aren’t being asked for help. That is why it’s so important now to find a way to spend some time completely alone.

Your tendency may be to immediately find new distractions, new people to care for.   Fight that impulse.   After a lifetime of chaos and caring for others, this is a very important time for you to be alone, as scary as it may feel at times.  How else will you have the time and fortitude to face yourself squarely and ask some tough questions about your previous choices and your future?

Introspection demands solitude and time. This may be why many of us never truly get to know ourselves until midlife, if ever.   It takes a lifetime to know ourselves well. The only way to your true self is through contemplation.  No shortcuts are available.  You may find that a good therapist is a great guide at this time, but the heavy lifting must be done by you. This is the beginning of self-responsibility.  Up to now, life has just happened, and in the chaos of it all you’ve done the best you could.   Now, if you choose, you can take full responsibility for your life, for your own process, for all future choices, and for your own solitude.

Why is solitude so important? We cannot learn and grow without personally processing what we alone have experienced within the context of our own lives. No one else understands our own internal experiences of loss and alienation quite like we do, and no one else processes these experiences into wisdom like we can.

Without personal processing at a deep level, we will continue to make the same mistakes over and over again.  We all go through periods of crisis—major changes, intense difficulties—as we age.   It’s best if we can intersperse these episodes with periods of solitude and deep learning, to integrate and consolidate what we have experienced in preparation for a new learning cycle.

If we learn with each cycle, we become wiser and more able to cope with the next difficulty.   If we never stop and spend some time alone, integrating lessons learned, we cannot accumulate wisdom or the ability to live a more comfortable life with more supple and adaptive coping skills.

Excerpted from Midlife Magic: Becoming The Person You Are Inside.