It has been clear to me for a long time, that there is quite a bit of shame related to divorce, job loss, and personal change in our culture. Even the natural act of aging is somehow shameful to us.
I know. Besides my own experiences with midlife crisis in the past nine years, I also did my counseling internship at a rehab hospital. Shame was such a big part of that culture. It was so obvious, rarely discussed, and yet pervasive, that I decided to do my master’s thesis on the issue of shame and aging.
I realized during my internship that we will probably all need assistance in taking care of ourselves as we age. Will we learn how to ask for help when we need it? Or is that just too shameful?
Midlife is a great time to start reaching out for help
Midlife is a very good time to begin the practice of asking for help, especially if we are experiencing a midlife crisis. Most of us take great pride in our level of independence, but it may be time to admit that there are millions of others just like us, going through very similar, difficult life transitions.
This is the perfect time to transform ourselves and what we think we need to do before we die. We all have great potential to improve our lives, if we are willing to begin asking others for support, instruction, and fellowship.
Don’t do it like I did. I have always been fiercely independent, not believing that anyone else could ever possibly understand my exact circumstances. I’m sure shame was a big part of my reason for going through my midlife crisis almost completely alone.
I experienced my own darkest night of the soul when I lost my job/career in 2004. It was so dark that I finally woke up to ALL of my unused and unappreciated potential. I dove inside, read old journals, wrote in my new journal, meditated, cried one hell of a lot, and slowly got to know myself as I am now.
From this came the revelation that I have many excellent skills and talents that I could now use to support myself. The question then was, would I have the courage to pursue new careers at age 50? I knew it was essential that I get it right this time!
That special feeling of nothing left to lose…
Of course, this didn’t all happen in one afternoon. I needed to first acknowledge the fact that I truly had nothing left to lose. That state of mind can create a powerful kind of freedom to change. It freed me up to try just about anything, because, what the heck, I was already at the end of my rope!
I was seriously considering starting my own local dating service at the time, but could not decide whether I had flipped my lid, or it was a brilliant idea. My intuition kept prompting me to do two things: watch the old movie “Risky Business” again, and call an old lover from 25 years past.
So I rented the movie and soon knew why. In “Risky Business” some teenage boys are trying to decide whether to start their own high class whore house in their upscale, suburban neighborhood. Finally one of the characters says:
“Sometimes you just have to say ‘What the f###,’ and make your move!”
These words convinced me to go for it! I cannot necessarily recommend starting a small business while living on severance and unemployment, but that’s exactly what I did, and it was lots of fun!
Speaking with a variety of older singles was exactly what I needed to boost my spirit, and make me feel less alone. I slowly realized that even in my own head, I had somehow judged myself and others for simply being single later in life. But talking to my new clients convinced me that there was truly no reason to be ashamed of being 49 and single. We were simply people who needed a major change in our lives for whatever reason.
Interviewing the men also showed me that I was ready to start dating again, three years past my divorce. I will never forget one particular day in August of 2004. I spent the afternoon interviewing three different single men. Then, on the way home, the words from an old James Taylor song came through loud and clear: “And my heart came back alive.”
I also ended up calling up that old lover from 25 years past. It turned out to be cathartic for me. And then I went out and found love again within just a few months!
To learn more about what I learned through my own midlife transformation, please read my books: Midlife Magic: Becoming the person you are inside! and my Midife Change Workbook.
