is an interesting Google search that got somebody to this website, but it left me wondering how loving a 50-year-old man is any different than loving anyone else.
So how DO we love another with enough closeness and distance and acceptance of our differences? The first question is WHY we love any one else. Is it only because they fulfill some of our needs?
Or because we find new and interesting parts of ourselves by hanging out with them? Or simply because we feel good being around them.
When I first met Mike over four years ago now, we both immediately felt seen and appreciated in ways neither one of us had ever experienced before. We also felt understood without much explaining necessary. The best way I can describe it is that we created a unique energy field between us when we were together.
There was absolutely no question that we completed each other in some very essential and yet indescribable ways, like we had been searching our whole lives and yet never really expected to find such a safe place to be in the same space with another human being.
How do we love each other? By caring enough to notice everything about how each of us are feeling moment to moment. By being sensitive to when we really need to be alone with ourselves, and when we need to be together to experience true connectedness. By telling the other when we’ve had a bad day and crave extra attention and love. By taking full responsibility for ourselves and our actions towards each other.
I now know more than ever that mature love is defined by being more concerned about the health and comfort of the one you love than yourself, but in a healthy way. It’s called healthy interdependence instead of co-dependence. I believe it is the highest level of human connectedness, feeling strong and loving enough within yourself to have something to offer others.
It’s probably best to think of learning to truly love yourself as your basic training ground for learning how to love others well. How do you know when you are loved? How do you feel about yourself right now?
To learn more about what I learned through my own transitions, please read my books: Midlife Magic: Becoming the person you are inside! and my Midife Change Workbook.
{ 8 comments… read them below or add one }
Laura Lee, this is a very beautiful commentary on love.
I’ve been thinking about love a lot lately. Tomorrow it will be a year since Alex died. The relationship I had with him was not an easy one. There was only one time in 5 years of on and off relationship, and that was shortly before he died that I actually felt his love. So, love has been something I have been contemplating and plan to write …probably a fair bit about.
I think your last paragraph says it very well.
You can’t offer to others something you don’t possess.
I had to come to Peace with myself before I became good company for others.
It just “Flows” nicely now.
Too soon old, too late smart………
Brad
Hello Brad! I thought we had lost you!
So you’re still reading and loving yourself?
Laura Lee
Hi L L!
In recent months I moved, gainfull employment has found me again (and a sweetie has entered the picture).
Things do change, often when we least expect it!
A conversation with a young friend yesterday centered on being grateful and enjoying the many blessings of your Life NOW, putting an appropriate effort into changing what isn’t working but not letting the disappointments become the focuss of your thoughts. Put the energy into what IS working!
Keep up the good work. I don’t always agree but I always find your thoughts interesting.
Brad
Congrats Brad! Hope it all turns out great! LLC
Laura,
This is avery good description of what we all wish for in our lives. We do need to accept ourselves for what we are and change what we can, stay focused on the positive and love no matter what the issues are. I have learned much about myself and my husband, and I have learned that no matter what the issues are, I could not imagine life without him. Two people come together and build, and over time become fused. If something needs changing, then it is sometimes the worst things that bring the best results and teach us all the meaning of strength and love for better or worse. Thanks Laura, you have my vote.
Thank you Laura J!
You have obviously learned much through your life and your marriage.
More power to you! Blessings, Laura Lee