I believe that our attitudes and romantic needs change in midlife, and the purpose of love changes throughout life.
Historically, the sole purpose of romantic love has been the continuation of our species. Without the attachment of romantic love, we would live in an entirely different society that would more closely resemble the social organization of the animal world.
The chemicals that race through our brains when we’re in love serve several purposes, but the primary one is to make us form families and have children.
Once we have children, the chemicals change to encourage us to stay together to raise and protect the children. Cultural differences control how love is defined and displayed worldwide, but the fact that love exists in every human culture in the world is indisputable.
There are a few key factors which make us fall in love with a particular person. Research into attraction factors suggest, that buried deep within our subconscious, is a template for the ideal partner.
APPEARANCE: Research shows that we tend to be most attracted to those who remind us of our parents and even of ourselves. When shown digitized, morphed photos of their own faces, subjects always preferred the morphed versions of their own face over others!
PERSONALITY: Like appearance, studies show that we tend to prefer those who remind us of our parents in terms of their personality, sense of humor, likes and dislikes, and various other attitude factors.
PHEROMONES: The purpose of pheromones in the animal kingdom is to help us identify potential mates with an immune system different enough to ensure healthy offspring. Apparently, chemicals in human sweat also play an important role in love. When given males’ sweaty T-shirts and asked to identify the one they felt most attracted to, the majority of females chose the shirt of a male whose immune system was the most different from their own.
MIDLIFE LOVE
Obviously, when we are young and fertile, biological and cultural factors play the largest role in determining who we are attracted to, and who we decide to create families with. How does that change with aging?
As we age, the power of biological and cultural factors recede, and our conscious brains step in to ameliorate the powers of our reptilian brain.
In other words, we know whom we are initially attracted to, but then we begin asking more in-depth questions like, “Does this person show self-respect and respect for others?” “Is this person good with money?” “Are they dependable?” “Are they loyal?” “Do they have a good record of keeping commitments?” The more our trust has been betrayed by previous relationships, the more we insist on finding satisfying answers to these questions.
Over a lifetime, we hope to accumulate a healthy sense of self-love and respect, which can act as our guiding light as we attempt to find positive companionship in our later years.
And that’s what’s different about midlife. We no longer seek the ideal partner to create children with. We instead seek loving, positive, compatible companionship.
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How true. As we start getting older it seems our goals, dreams and how we want to live all changes. That is why you hear people grow apart as they become older and the kids start to get older or have left the nest. Once the kids leave the nest, now what? That time together was always spent doing with the kids or for the kids, running them here and there, sports etc. In making plans for tomorrow sit with your spouse and discuss it. Leave the lines of communication open and the flame still burning.
Thanks for your wise words Candace.
No kids on this end so I cannot speak to the “empty nest” experience.
However, I LOVE guest posts! Would you write for me sometime?
Laura Lee aka The Queen