How is marriage different in midlife? Do we ever begin to appreciate and enjoy the differences between ourselves and others? Or do we simply judge everyone else as wrong if they don’t do things our way? Is love even possible in the middle of life? Or do we become too set in our ways?
I’ve experienced two midlife marriages personally. The first one, in my late thirties, did not succeed because we both couldn’t get over how different we were from each other. I would say the theme of our first year together was: “I can’t believe you do that, that way!” We picked at each other and judged each others’ choices so much that the center could not hold. In the end, there was little loyalty or love beneath the judgments.
My second marriage, at age 50, has been much more satisfying and successful. Why? I would say because we are a much better match in terms of temperament, and more tolerant of the differences between us.
I’m sure this is true partially because both of us have spent most of our adult lives alone. We have taken on many challenges and long periods of extreme loneliness, and so we can more easily appreciate the positive impact the presence of another loving soul can have on our lives. We both know from personal experience that living alone is not ideal for either one of us.
We also have learned the value of giving each other lots of distance at times, and strive to appreciate the differences as well as the similarities between us. We have consciously become the custodians of each others’ solitude.
If one of us is unhappy or depressed, we give them the privacy and space to deal with their own feelings. We know we do not have the power to fix the others’ unhappiness, and know they will let us know when they are ready to re-join the human race with an improved attitude about love and life. We each take full responsibility for our own feelings and don’t blame the other for various periods of unhappiness.
I have learned only recently to be aware when I’m feeling critical of Mike, that the personality characteristics that attracted me to him in the first place, traits like taking full responsible, being detail-oriented, or conscientious, can also get on my nerves when he seems too careful or conscientious. At times like this I try to calm down and appreciate the dependable, responsible, sensitive, loving man I married three years ago.
