I noticed a rather interesting GOOGLE search on my blog statistics page today: “How to make marriage work in midlife.”
First of all, if you were thinking you were going to “make” your marriage work, you have missed the point of midlife and marriage!
Part of the point of midlife is to finally accept what you have control over and what you don’t. This means letting go of the illusion that you “control” any other human being but yourself. Too many of us spend far too much time trying to control those around us, and not enough time focused on what we do control about ourselves, our choices, and our lives. You need to let go right now of the notion that you have control over your marriage or your spouse. If you do succeed in “making” them do anything, you’ll probably regret it later.
I have a much softer view of marriage. Imagine a partner who wants to be with you more than anything in the world. Imagine someone who swears you are the best thing that ever happened to them. This is my marriage now, and I feel exactly the same way about him! But this didn’t come about through mind control. It came about through years of living alone, learning to love myself unconditionally, and deciding NO ONE would ever treat me with anything but respect in my future!
Don’t try to “make” your marriage work. Instead, decide whether you are getting all of your needs met and being treated with abundant respect and appreciation right now. If not, decide what to do next. Life’s too short to stay in a crappy marriage and if you’re in one, you know it! To quote Dr. Phil, we teach people how to treat us. If we disrespect ourselves and our own needs, so will everyone else in our lives.
So change the way you treat yourself. If you are angry or frustrated, this is an important message from within telling you that you no longer want to be around those that don’t treat you with love and respect. In relationships, you get what you are, and if you have changed and gained even the smallest degree of self love and respect, you will no longer be able to tolerate being spoken down to or treated with disrespect. Be glad of these changes, and get away from those that don’t understand where you are headed now.
Don’t try to control others and don’t let them control you anymore. Just leave and move on to a whole new life full of love and appreciation.
I did! It wasn’t easy, but it WAS the most important decision I ever made to improve the quality of my life on so many different levels.
It was soooooooo worth it! True love is GRAND!
To learn more about what I learned through my own transitions, read my books: Midlife Magic: Becoming the person you are inside!, Midife Change Workbook, and How to Believe In Love Again!
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Hey, blogging boomer buddy, I couldn’t resist chiming in on marriage at midlife.
Recently I interviewed Maggie Scarf an expert on marriage and intimacy. Her book follows real couples who reveal that personal growth and acceptance of oneself and partner is one of the key factors to having a long, happy marriage.
Not to contradict you, but I believe marriage is work. Sometimes, hard work, but can’t it be joyous, fun and important work, too? Work that helps me better my soul and that of my mate. That work, I’m honored to do.
Thanks and love the cover of your book.
Dina
I don’t know about the “work” of marriage except in regards to my first husband (my wasband!) who was truly a piece of work!
Now I am in love with a man who is a joy to be with most of the time, and always seems to appreciate my presence. If this is work, I want more of it!
Laura Lee
My first husband told me that marriage shouldn’t be work, it should just come naturally or else you’re in the wrong marriage. I disagreed.
After divorcing him and marrying my soul mate, I think he was exactly right!
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