One thing about illness, it seems to help me confront squarely the things I find most difficult about my own nature. This time I noticed just how critical and demanding I can be of myself.
I had two articles to complete when I got the flu a couple weeks ago. I even had a few interviews scheduled. I would not accept the fact that I was too ill to interview someone, so I tried. It was a real mistake! I didn’t make any sense and couldn’t remember anything about the interview afterwards.
Then it was time to write the article! I soon had to acknowledge how hard I am on myself when I simply cannot complete an assignment. I somehow managed to put it all together. I couldn’t tell you how well it turned out, because I wasn’t conscious enough to remember or judge at the time.
What I do remember today, is how I can’t seem to give myself a break, even when my health is making it impossible to function. And something tells me I’m not alone in this human difficulty. Perhaps this is a common trait of us baby boomers…or maybe it is just an American or human flaw. All I can tell you is it sucks, and I’d love to destroy this demanding monkey on my back.
Something tells me that if I could take control of my self-critical nature, my life would be much more pleasant.
There is a fairly common exercise in psychology to visualize your past, present and future self, and then speak to them as if they were in the room with you. You know, like Gestalt therapy, put a chair out there and speak to yourself.
In one of my favorite books on self-esteem, Revolution from Within, Gloria Steinem, looks back at her past self and says:
“She’s doing the best she can. She’s survived, and she’s trying so hard. Sometimes I wish I could go back and put my arms around her…”
This is the definition of self compassion to me. If we could all just take a moment to feel true compassion for ourselves and all we’ve been through; all the challenges we’ve faced in our long lives, all the times when we felt we could not take another step alone, and yet we did.
Perhaps if we could give our past self a break just this once, than our future self would feel that much more optimistic. We have done the best we could with what we have, and we will continue on with hope and compassion for self and every one we meet along the way. No one is perfect, but everyone’s trying real hard!
