Cynicism: An attitude of scornful or jaded negativity.
Thank you Marie for responding to my last post in an honest and heartfelt way. To paraphrase your response:
“The dissatisfaction and emptyness overwhelmed me so much one day that I sought professional help. I was told I was discovering my “middle age” and was told to read a million feel-good books on the subject that included Jungian theory and Buddhist based spirituality. I was even told to take meditation classes. If you cannot tell from my sarky e-tone, I did not and still cannot “buy” into any of it. It seems like a load of self-serving and selfish “loving” me garbage.”
Besides being the Queen of Crisis, I also consider myself quite a master of cynicism. In fact, in some ways, one just leads to another. No one could have convinced me at the beginning of my divorce, when I moved into my crappy old dilapidated house that things were looking up! Change may be sudden in our lives, but transitions take time.
And I can assure you that I hated myself after that divorce. Anger ruled my life at times. It was only when I softened enough to realize all the pain and frustration beneath my anger, that I began to feel real compassion for my damaged soul. Please see previous posts about Anger and Marriage. The answer is not more self loathing or hatred headed out to all of those that have betrayed you.
Marie:
“So two divorces, bankruptcy, a steadily rising career and several houses later, Im older, wiser and totally isolated. And this is supposed to be a “blessing” somehow? A sign of growing up and getting through to the other side? What exactly do I do with this wealth of experience and discriminating wisdom I’ve acquired? Write a book? Take deep breaths? Honestly folks, Im at a loss and not even the psychotherapist I saw over a month could give me concrete coping skills…”
It’s true that there are books that can help you understand the process you are going through right now, books like “How to be an adult in relationships” have helped me immensely. But I believe the bottom line is taking a very hard look at yourself and your life so far. What is your inner wisdom saying to you? No “expert” knows better than you what is right for you now. It sounds like you have a clear sense of what hasn’t worked well. Your emotions are telling you that it’s time for a major change in your Self and your attitude.
Another relationship is rarely the answer because we just go out and make similar mistakes all over again. Would you choose to get involved with you right now? We get what we are in relationships..if we are burned out or bitter, we somehow track down someone just like us to hang with. The one thing I knew after my divorce was that bringing another person into my misery would not benefit them or me.
Marie:
“I firmly believe that once you hit this age, particularly for an independent and successful woman, you’re past your physical prime. Consequently, you have to settle for alot less in a partner or just deal with being alone. That , in and of itself, is the reality of this last stretch of my life. Coping with that awareness I suppose is my “journey.”
When you settle for less than you deserve, you get even less than you settle for. My first husband was my version of settling and playing it safe. BIG MISTAKE!!! I got all of the criticism and blame and none of the acceptance and love I was seeking in marriage.
After my divorce, I learned lots from running a dating service for older singles. One thing I learned was that even though I greatly desired to fall in love again, I really didn’t believe in love anymore. My life experiences had made me quite cynical when it came to romance and love. And if I didn’t believe in it, why bother?
Attitude is everything with aging and life in general. If you believe life sucks, then life sucks. If you believe men are all shmucks, then all the men you meet will be. What I hear in your e-mail is lots of pain and determination not to let anyone ever hurt you again.
Perhaps you are at the beginning of a major learning cycle. Please consider stopping all self sacrificing behaviors and taking care of number one for a while. Do everything you can to nurture yourself and give yourself what no one else has ever given you, total self acceptance. I know none of this seems like a gift right now, but consider the benefits of becoming the person you would like to meet in your future. What does that look and feel like to you?
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Thanks again for all the thought and effort you put into your last blog post to address my specific comment. I gave you some more information on my marriages under Comments for your last post “Love at 49″.
Here- in the last paragraph of this post- you address precisely what Im at odds with- not men, not ex husbands, not bills to pay or anything else external.
You hit on the head. I AM at the start of a “major” learning phase. Im at odds with how to “stop the self sacrificing behaviors and taking care of number one for a while.” Im not really angry anymore.. probably frightened is a better descriptor.
I’ve always been a “giver”. Simply put, I get off on giving to others- affection, gifts, loyalty, whatever. And while I realize this may be seen as a “self-sacrifice” to set myself up for different sorts of disappointments, Im wise enough to know not to expect anything or even the same in return. I simply do, to do. I enjoy it.
As for “taking care of number one”, I think I already do. Some of my co-workers believe Im too self-centered as I live alone, come and go as I please, have pretty commanding position at work and do alot of extracurricular activities: travel, work out weekly, go to salons/spas..
Am I missing something here?? Is this not what self nuturing is about? I can look at the stars in a clear night sky and see the simple beauty of them just being there. What else should I be taking away from that experience other than 2 minutes distraction? These are my questions..