I want to continue on this subject of shame as it relates to midlife crisis and change because I think it’s HUGE. Even the simple act of aging is somehow shameful in our society. I know because I did my counseling internship at a rehab hospital. Shame was such a big part of that culture because as we age and become less youthful, we cannot take care of ourselves as well and simply have to start asking for help.
Midlife is a very good time to begin the practice of asking for help from others, even if you have prided yourself on being completely independent up until then. It’s a good time to admit that there are others just like you, going through very similar life transitions, and your life could be lots easier if you were talking to them, gaining support and fellowship with others your own age.
Don’t do it like I did. I’ve always been fiercely independent, not believing that others would ever understand my exact circumstances. And I’m sure shame was a part of my reasons for going through this transition almost completely on my own. It was a very dark night of the soul for me when I lost my job. The only good thing about it was that I was left with that deep strange feeling of nothing left to lose.
“Nothing left to lose” can lead to some interesting changes in your life. It frees you up to try just about anything because you’re already at the end of your rope. I was seriously considering starting my own local dating service at the time, but could not decide whether I had flipped my lid, or it was a brilliant idea. My intuition kept prompting me to do two things: watch the old movie “Risky Business” again, and call an old lover from 25 years past. So I rented the movie and soon knew why I needed to see it then. In “Risky Business” some teenage boys are trying to decide whether to start their own high class whore house in their expensive, suburban neighborhood. Finally one of the characters says, “Sometimes you just have to say ‘What the fuck,’ and make your move!” These words convinced me to go for it! I can’t necessarily recommend starting a small business while living on severance and unemployment, but that’s exactly what I did.
And it was lots of fun! Speaking with other older singles was exactly what I needed to not feel quite so alone. I slowly realized that even in my own head, I had somehow judged myself and others for simply being single later in life. But talking to all of these great people showed me that there was truly no reason to be ashamed of our singleness! We were simply people who needed a major change in our lives for whatever reasons.
Interviewing the men also showed me that I was ready to start dating again, three years past my divorce. I remember one specific day in the summer of 2004, when I spent time talking with three different single men, and on the way home the words from a James Taylor song came through loud and clear: “And my heart came back alive.”
It was an exciting time for me, especially when I finally got together the courage to call up a lost love from 25 years past…but that’s another story!
